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September 5, 2003

I faced the other way
and kept my eyes lowered
just the way I thought
everyone would be happier
if I did it like that.
I have been as small,
accomodating, and invisible
as everyone tried to keep me
so that whatever I did
it wasn't hurting her.
There was just me, then,
for the years of growing,
and maybe I was terrified,
but I kept it all inside
knowing invisibility was best.
Inside, I kept hoping
to find that I wasn't
just bound to destiny
of such obscurity
that seemed my lot.
Modesty fostered contempt
of my silent ambitions
or any notion of specialty
that would have been
anyone's prize but mine.
There were few words
expressing how little
I meant to the world,
but the actions of those
around me told me the truth.
Even now, I fight off
this constant derision
that pursues my dreams
with vehemence and lust
of my own death wish.
In the night, before sleep,
I recount my day several times.
I keep hoping to find
the clue to make me feel
that I am worth anything.