Something Else

September 30, 2003

You'll never see how cold it is inside of me
after the rain fell and the wind blew it all out of me.
You'll never understand how much I cared
and how little anyone else cared about anything from me.
You'll never see me anything more than
the whisper of a shadow on a stone in an old graveyard.
You'll bend your knees to me and think
about times gone by but nothing will lead you to me.
I am invisible.
I am the water.
I am the one that
held out hope for
every day to equal
what it once might
have meant to me.
In the cold evening twilight I come
and knock upon a door that closes you inside
a world that I cannot reach or breach tonight.
I'm attacking the setting sun
with the will of who I am when I am not me.
I'm living through the breath
of someone who won't accept that I am not me.
Your breath on the back of my neck
still a ghost in my memory of days I loved you.
When we two were alone and the world
seemed so vast and the potential between us was real.
I miss you now
like I never did
when you were mine.
I miss you now
like I never did
when I was yours.
But the cold day
leaves me still
in the grip of
some hope that you
will hear me again.
I am not invisible or irrelevant.
I am the girl who swore to uphold this thing
until the day that she was validated
or her hope was fully annihilated.
With just one more sign, I gave in...
and I believe you're still with me,
a part of me, the one that is me
when I am not me.